The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.