Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.