Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham