ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
What even happened today?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white