People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.