*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.