[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.