me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
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Mouse
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky