“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.