My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I believe the plural is “milves.”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?