*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
You Might Also Like
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”