10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.