me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song