People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I identify as an antique shop.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.