just left a huge legacy in there
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
@ candidates for local office
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore