Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow