*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then