The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher