Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business