Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
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I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much