I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
mom had nothing to worry about
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.