Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?