ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.