hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.