Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
That’s a good costume, I hope.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.