Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You Might Also Like
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts