Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My work here is don’t.
23. the denim jacket
He wanted to make sure😂
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
White parent Vs Arab parents
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit