Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
oh my god
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.