Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.