[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
When you kidnap a writer.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]