Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story