Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4