CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
You Might Also Like
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”