[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Sheep
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale