*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Happy thanksgiving!
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me