I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.