“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I hate when that happens.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.