Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
You Might Also Like
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.