7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters