Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I cannot stop laughing at this
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!