You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Erm…
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.