Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.