*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Catercrombie & Fish
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?