Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Every time.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”