You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u