The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
doing your own taxes
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”