Who’s your best friend?
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
that wasn’t the question
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH