I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
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First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The big book of baby names but for safe words
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.