Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…