[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
You Might Also Like
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
12653.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night